What Motherhood Means to Me
3:58 PM
Once upon a time I gave a talk at my church on Mother's Day. I promised to send it to a few people, so here it is. Better a year late than never, right?
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Good afternoon!
Happy Mother’s Day. At first, when I accepted the invitation from Danny to speak today, I thought it was a really great idea. My mom was going to be in town, I could check off my “speak in church” box for the year, and what better topic could I speak about?
Happy Mother’s Day. At first, when I accepted the invitation from Danny to speak today, I thought it was a really great idea. My mom was going to be in town, I could check off my “speak in church” box for the year, and what better topic could I speak about?
Yeah, not as easy as I thought! When I started thinking about Mother’s Day…mothers…women…I got really overwhelmed. Sister Eubank—our RS General 1st counselor—sums up my feelings so well: “This holiday—meant to honor and celebrate—is more often an emotional and spiritual minefield for almost everyone: Women who have no children, or who wanted more children, or maybe different children. Women who feel they are failing, or that someone failed them, or that failure is around the corner. Women who wished they were free to mother, or feel cut off from their mothers, or never had the mother they wanted, or can’t be the mother they want to be. Sometimes it seems like there is no way to win here.”
So, after agonizing over this for most of the week, I accepted that I cannot possibly understand or imagine every single mother-related scenario out there. But I will say: I see you and I acknowledge your lived experience—whatever that may be. And as much as I wish I could address all of those vastly different experiences, in the short time I have today I am just going to talk about my own experiences and what I know to be true.
What I know from the mothers in my life is that what makes you a mother is not your womb—though the act of carrying and giving birth to a human being is an incredibly transformative and empowering experience. But, for those of us who become mothers through physically bearing children, that is just the beginning. And being a mother actually starts long before you have children—if you have children. Being a mother is about being a good human. Being kind, loving, nurturing, strong, enduring, patient, long-suffering, vulnerable, empathetic, courageous, selfless. And so much more.
Sheri Dew, former Relief Society 1st counselor — who was not a mother herself — said:
“Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living”—and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born….Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us.” I want to change that last part to say—the unique traits our Heavenly Mother gave us.
For me personally, motherhood was taking a huge step into the dark. It required a lot of faith and courage. For years, I feared birth. I was terrified of the idea of labor and giving birth. But, I knew that in order to fulfill one of my destinies here on earth, I had to confront that fear without knowing exactly how things would turn out but believing and having faith that whatever might come, that I could face it. Our Mother Eve was a courageous woman who took a very big step into the dark when she partook of the fruit in the garden of Eden and her eyes were opened. She didn’t know exactly how hard it would be being thrust out of the garden, out of the presence of God—her Heavenly Mother and Father—but she knew that in order to fulfill her divine destiny and to enable the rest of humanity to do the same, that it had to be done. And that SHE needed to do it. So, she stepped up and did it. Like so many mothers and women do every single day. They set aside their fear, their comfort and they do what needs to be done. They exercise FAITH. And many of them in the process learn that they are stronger than they thought they were.
This has been true for me, as well. In overcoming one of my greatest fears, giving birth, I learned just how strong I was. I learned that I could do hard things. Immediately after Madeleine’s birth, I felt empowered. I felt like I could do anything. But, that feeling faded fast, as I confronted new challenges: difficulties with breastfeeding, the long and hard recovery that followed after losing a significant amount of blood after delivery, postpartum anxiety, insecurity in my abilities as a mother, the flood of hormones and the rollercoaster of emotions that came to a very sleep-deprived, physically depleted new mother. I was incredibly vulnerable and needed help more than ever. It was only after I become a mother myself that I realized just how much I needed my own mother.
My mom has been—for my entire life—an incredible example of faith, courage, strength, and love. She has been through SO MUCH. From fleeing her home country of Vietnam on a small fishing boat, getting caught and thrown in jail, making it out on a second attempt and living in a refugee camp, finally making it to America, starting from scratch, not speaking any English, working hard to achieve her American dream…fast forward to her having me, being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis shortly after my first birthday, her marriage falling apart, divorce, and raising me as a single mom…
Through everything that life has thrown her, my mom has never let anything get in her way or hold her back. As a recently divorced, single mom, suffering with her new disability, my mom went back to school to get her associate’s degree in apparel design. At the time we were living with my grandparents and I have fond memories of my grandmother walking me to school in the mornings and family members pitching in to take care of me. It wasn’t easy and I’m sure she felt a lot of the “mom guilt” that I too feel going to work each day, but she persisted. She graduated and kicked off a successful career that not only supported her family, but more importantly taught me that I too, could achieve anything. Aside from her gifts of knowledge and strength, my mom’s spiritual gifts of faith and courage have blessed my life tremendously. To take unknown paths, to be a trailblazer, to have confidence in HER KNOWLEDGE, her TRUTHS, this led her to meet my dad, Julio, and to join this church, which quite literally changed the course of our lives—for the better.
But most of all—the best gift she has ever given me is unconditional love. Knowing that no matter what I did, said, believed, or didn’t believe. That she would love me no matter what. Looking back on my life and all that I was able to accomplish, I realize now that that the reassurance of her love was EVERYTHING. It wasn’t conditional on my obedience to her. Or on whether I did what she wanted me to or if I didn’t. No. It was there. ALWAYS. I can tell you right now that I would not be anywhere close to the person I am today if I hadn’t had that. A mother’s love CAN be EVERYTHING. And to take that one step further—LOVE is everything. That’s why we’re all here—to learn to love one another. To love our neighbors as ourselves, and to love God. And I will add one—to learn to love ourselves.
My life has been so blessed by countless women who have mothered me, who have given me love, a listening ear, wisdom, empathy, strength, who have encouraged me. I would not be standing here without them. From my piano teacher in high school—Barbara—who seamlessly navigated her roles of concert pianist, teacher, and mother and always encouraged me to reach higher than I thought I could, to never limit myself. To my dear friend, Carol Lynn, who has nurtured me, listened to me, and shared her wisdom with me as I have struggled with my faith, helping me to know of my Mother in Heaven. And my loving friend and BYU roommate, Nadine, who came back from a long trip around the world to be present for Madeleine’s birth.
Bringing her beautiful calming energy into that sacred space, literally supporting me during labor and in those hard, hard days that followed when everything felt like it was too much to bear. Somehow, she was able to bear my burdens, showing such deep empathy and understanding—though she has no children of her own. She, my mom, and my mother-in-law came to the hospital, lifting me up and giving me the strength I needed in my physically weakest and emotionally most vulnerable moments. And to the countless other women in this ward and in my life who at different times have blessed me with their spiritual gifts (there are too many of you to name individually) I am so grateful for each of you. I’m not just talking about the meals you’ve brought or texts you sent (although those are important). I’m talking about who you are, the way you’ve chosen to live your life, the way you treat others, the way you recognize and honor your own divinity, the spirit and love you radiate. The way you emulate the characteristics of our Mother in Heaven.To close, I want to talk a little more about our Heavenly Mother. Too often we forget to mention her specifically because we think she’s implied when we talk about Heavenly Father and his love for us but I think it’s really important to mention her by name. To acknowledge that we as women are created in HER image and likeness. That SHE gave her only begotten son, who she bore spiritually. That she is our DIVINE creator, together with the Father. She is God the Mother. All that we as women, our divinity, it all comes from HER. And we strive to be like her. GODDESSES. With the POWER to create life, the STRENGTH to endure labor and DELIVER spirits into the world, the divine instinct to nurture souls, regardless of whether we’ve born them ourselves, and an UNLIMITED capacity to LOVE, FORGIVE, STRETCH, GROW, TRANSFORM. We must not forget that our Heavenly Mother is there, lifting us up, listening to our cries. Her heart aches when we suffer, when we are in pain, when we are heartbroken, but she does not leave us comfortless. She sends us strength when we think we cannot go any further, she helps us she ourselves as she sees us. To see our own power and divinity—the power and divinity she has endowed on us, as her daughters. And when that isn’t enough, or if we just cannot see it, she sends her DAUGHTERS to us and we are encircled by her PERFECT ALL-ENCOMPASSING LOVE. Love that is there, no matter what. No matter what we do. And we don’t have to do anything to deserve that love. And with that love we can learn to love ourselves, we can learn to love others, we can change lives, and we can change the world.And I share that in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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RESOURCES
1. Sharon Eubank: The Idea of “Mothers in Zion” Made Me Mad—Until I Learned What It Meant
2. Sheri L. Dew: Are We Not All Mothers?
3. Poem by CAROL LYNN PEARSON: "A MOTHERLESS HOUSE" (1992)
4. The Eternal Heavenly Mother
Shattering a Sacred Silence Through An Examination of What Church Leaders Have Taught About Her by Allison Welch
SquareTwo, Vol. 12 No. 1 (Spring 2019)
5. YouTube video: “A Mother There”
6. LDS Living Article, May 2019: “7 Ways to Grow Closer to Heavenly Mother and Include Her in Your Worship”
https://anonymousfiles.io/7HZEbeXL/ (this link is to an archived pdf since the original article is no longer available on LDS Living)
7. Wikipedia page, “Heavenly Mother (Mormonism)”
8. Sunstone Magazine: “The Mormon Concept of Mother in Heaven”
9. Exponent II Blog Post: “What I first learned about Heavenly Mother.”
Birth images by Angie Klaus Photography.
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